An Interview With Bart Simpson

Oily Stuff Blog caught up with the newest, 2022 candidate for Texas Railroad Commissioner at a skate board park in N. Austin and Simpson explains why he is qualified to regulate the Texas oil and gas industry.

OILYSTUFFBLOG:

Bart, thanks for taking the time to speak with us today. Congratulations on your candidacy.

BART SIMPSON:

Thanks, man. As soon as my mom and dad said it was OK for me to run for the Railroad Commission I changed my name to Beto; so, please call me Beto.

I didn't know you fellas were going to take pictures today; I feel way dumb. I coulda brought my dog, wore a cowboy hat, or borrowed some dirty coveralls and clipped one of those H2S thingies to my collar. I got a neato hardhat the other day but I haven't put all the stickers on it yet.

Who are you with, dude? Never heard of it.

You oughta do podcasts, man; nobody works, they just do podcasts. I did a podcast a few days ago near Carrizo Springs for some outfit named Digital Vacuum Truck Drivers. It took us 2 hours to find an Eagle Ford well that was actually producing and not on pump-off controls to film in front of, but it was a blast. There's no Taco Bell in Carrizo Springs! Weird, uh?

Did you see me crash and burn on that ramp? Knarly.

OILYSTUFFBLOG:

Yeah; do you need a band aid or something, your bleeding everywhere? So, tell us about your qualifications to run for a position on the Texas Railroad Commission.

BETO SIMPSON:

Well, I passed 6th grade last year, finally, and I believe THAT level of education allows me to hold public office anywhere. I am ten years old and have had a train set since I was a kid. I know a lot about oil and gas stuff too; Miss Krabapple taught us how to do basic well economics in the 4th grade and I know all about profit and debt and IRR and neato math stuff like that. I don't think my opponents understand any of that. So, I got THAT going for me.

I put glue in Cindy Dibble's hair the other day so Principle Skinner made me stay late and read the whole Texas Natural Resource Code. Borrrrring! I had to take a pop quiz about pressure preservation, well spacing, what constitutes resource waste, really hard questions... like flaring gas is a waste, true or false? I got a B-. That's the first 'B' I ever got in school ! Mr. Skinner says if being a TRRC guy gets me out of his school, he will endorse me. I'll betcha garlic gum most of my opponents don't even know there IS a Resource Code and its actually, you know, the law in Texas.

I help my dad change the oil in the lawnmower all the time. The rest of the oil business I learned on LinkedIn, Facebook and by watching TV, like everybody else. I am more than qualified and have just as much real experience as my opponents.

I need to ask Miss Krabapple what conflict of interest even means but Homer has never been in the oil business; we don't get any money in the mailbox from oil and gas royalty, we don't own a big ranch with oil wells on it. I've got nothing to gain from being a Railroad Commissioner except getting out of school a lot and maybe a cell phone someday. Being a Railroad Commissioner won't give me the big head 'cause I already got one of those!

OILYSTUFFBLOG:

Are you running as a Republican or Democrat candidate?

BETO SIMPSON:

My mum says I should run as a Republican since they always get elected to the Railroad Commission but I just can't make myself do that. Those guys think we'll never run out of oil, or water, or money. Draining America first is really stoopid; we should be draining Russia first.

Democrats are ALL meatheads; I don't want to be one of them either. They think we'll never run out of money, either, and I think having batteries in jet airplanes is dumb. That'll NEVER work. The dude the Democrats are supporting is a dork; I'll beat him easy. Eat my shorts, buddy!

So, I am kind of an independent, free thinking, trouble maker because I don't do what politicians tell me to do and I already get an allowance, so I don't need money from other people. I hope dudes will want to vote for me because I can't be any worse than any of the rest running. I got $9.87 saved in a shoe box under my bed; the future is not now, dude... its in the future !

OILYSTUFFBLOG:

Can you tell us what your plans would be if elected for Texas Railroad Commissioner, Mr. Simpson?

BETO SIMPSON:

Well, I don't think you should say dumb stuff just to get elected, so here is what I can't do:

I can't build a wall along the border to keep illegals out; I'm running to regulate oil and gas, not be a King. I can't make everybody wrap their gas wells in blankets when it freezes; sorry about that. God makes it cold, not the Railroad Commission. People need to stop expecting free stuff all the time.

I can't keep wells that are 90 years old from leaking water after they've been plugged. I wasn't there, I didn't do it. My mom says I can't say 'shit,' but it happens. All we can do is fix it. Taking videos of that stuff making a mess just makes Texas look bad. Texans shouldn't do that. I can't promise oilfield hands they'll work forever; I might be dumb but I am not stoopid and I'll get grounded if I lie. I only lie when I have to, to get out of trouble, like everybody else.

I probably can't stop exporting Texas HZ tight oil to Asia, below extraction and debt costs; I am just a little dude in a big world of corporate money, greed and Drain-America-First-Republicans. Texas production will have to look like North Dakota's production first, then it will be too late. Grown ups are dumb about stuff like that.

One billion barrels of exported US oil every year and 6 TCF of exported gas can make a lot of food in our country. Me and all the kids at school like to eat. Its like old people are giving away our future. Get bent, dudes; us kids shouldn't have to pay YOUR debts ! I think someday when I get old, like maybe in my 20's, oil will be worth more than money. Rad idea, uh?

I can't explain to Democrats, no matter how many crayons I have, how long it might take renewables to become affordable and that we're going to need all of America's oil to stay in America. Most Democrats are dumb, just like Republicans. Grown ups just mess stuff up.

OILYSTUFFBLOG:

Thanks for being honest, Bart, I mean, Beto. You sure seem different than other candidates, like you don't want to maintain the status quo.

BETO SIMPSON:

What's that mean, status quo? Well, I don't want Texas to be all wore out when I grow up. So, I can tell folks to quit wasting oil and start thinking about the long term future. That stoopid stuff about unlimited resources is a big whooper. That dude with the red hair was a bonehead. I can stop all of the natural gas flaring, like right now. All of it. That's really dumb and precisely why Texas needs balance of power in its regulatory oversight. What a waste, man. If you aren't hooked up by the time you spud, you can't spud. I can stop the tight oil industry from using other people's water. They have plenty of water themselves, they need to learn how to clean it up. Its had 15 years to learn. Its a desert out there in the Permian, holy cow.

I can slow down earthquakes by making operators recycle their water so we don't have to stuff it back in the ground. I can keep wells from being drilled too close to each other and destroying recovery rates. I can stop the mid stream industry from shoving pipelines down people's throats only to have them sit empty; 'immaculate domain' I think Miss Krabapple calls it. That sucks. I can make wells get plugged properly, top to bottom, with pipe left in them, and I can make operators put up a plugging deposit, before drilling, to abandon their wells. That bond stuff is a joke. It just takes cantaloupes to be a Railroad Commissioner, and I got 'em. I won't let the oil and gas industry tell me what to do and I will follow the Natural Resource Code to the letter. Hey, I got a B- on that stuff !

I can put Texas first, all of Texas, and America next. What do we get back for oil exports to Asia and China besides a virus that makes you want to blow beads and Nike tennis shoes? 4.5 earthquakes... for THAT?

OILYSTUFFBLOG:

Any last thing you wish to say about your campaign and the primaries coming up in March?

BETO SIMPSON:

Don't have a cow, man; I can do this. My campaign slogan is "Vote for me, dudes, and I'll make sure Texas has something left.

OILYSTUFFBLOG:

Thank you for the interview and good luck !

BETO SIMPSON:

Cowabunga, man !

I'm Beto Simpson and I am running for Texas

Railroad Commissioner. Who in the hell are you?